好想发泄。很想做鸵鸟。很想白天不要来。很想明天不要上班。很想我就这样的死掉。 为什么上帝要我原谅? 有些事情确实不能妥协。为什么耶稣说若右脸被打，连左脸也要愿意被打？我真的不能让步。 有人说：吃得咸鱼就得抵得渴。可是我吃的是冒牌的咸鱼。或许冒牌的更渴。想回到从前。从前那个单纯的世界。 想借着酒精来麻醉自己。可是入肚的红酒没效。依然很清晰。依然很逻辑。干掉冰箱里所有的红酒吧。 主啊！我撑不住了。可以带我回你那里吗？虽然你手所造的一切很完美。可是你所造的人太不完美了。 当我自以为很成功，拥有所有的时候，才发现原来自己是一无所有的。原来我是那么的愚蠢。原来我是那么的可怜。原来我是那么的穷。原来我是最失败的那个。 我放弃自己了。有谁来索取？算了吧，可怜的家伙。你是世界上最失败，最可怜的人。你连自尊都失掉了。你连自己都失掉了。笨蛋！活该！ 死，不是唯一的出口。因为自杀乃是死罪。上帝不会原谅的。那么就有的我自爱自怨自艾的过我的下伴生吧。胡乱吃，让所有的疾病找上门来。我想，大概50岁吧！ 明天开始，我会对自己很好很好。我会把所有血汗换来的钱好好的享受！

Thanks

Thanks Bee Ee, for spending me lunch.
The fried Jawa Mee is very delicious.
Thank you for talking to him personally.
Even though you do not reply in the email, but you intend to stop the war invisibly.
You and I are the same - hot temper, it's time to change.

Thanks Stephen, for your offer to send me for lunch.
Your advice meant a lot for me.
Thank you for not giving up asking me to attend the party.
I get to know you more, friend.

Thanks Chloe, for your ear, listening to my angry pricking voice for complaints.
You gave me the comfort that I need, which I never urge from anybody.
You are a real observer.

Thanks Koko, for calling me twice, to make sure I have cool down.
I knew you are very busy for projects, yet you put off the fire when the fire almost burn down everything.
Thanks for your effort on studying my crazy blog and give me the advices.
Thanks for being my closest friend, indeed, a brother of mine.
Thanks for being the most understand person of mine.
Thanks for your time to go through the Bible verses and send it to me.
Thanks for the phrase in your email, I feel the real warm.

I need not to have a lot of friends, a few will be good enough.
I love you guys.

Emotion

Since when I started to love gray?
I used to laugh loud in front of people, even thought somtimes it's not funny.
To me, this is a courtesy, as we need to take care of others feeling.
There are people make their life happy with making fun on the other people.
Did they ever think or considerate of how people feels?
I tried so hard to stand.
Why don't I keep on standing and don't get the volcano to burst?
I'm a real loser.
I could not confront my own emotion.
My emotion has overtaken my action.
A friend of mine adviced me to stay away from a person that will make me so evil.
Can this help?
This world if full of evil people.
I am so blessed that there are a lot of good friends around me.
Yes, I need to be thankful; but not to be fearful.

Bitc*

Not in good mood.
Everything from my lens are grayish.
I hate being threaten.
I hate to stand a person.
I hate to being laugh.
I hate to be beaten.

Perhaps, I am a real hot bitchy bitch daughter of old bitches.
Who cares?

Could I say, 'bitch' is an English name?
Trying to hypnotize myself to comfort my imbalance heart.
Why should I step back?
I don't know.
Maybe the step back may segreggate me from not being the same level with the other son of the bitch.
But when I step backward, he will come forward.
Until when I reach the wall and no place for me to step back anymore.
Then I started to push and move forward.
Now, they ask me to step backward again.
Because there are space at my back now.

Oh! I'm going psycho.
Indeed, I'm pyscho.
I'm nuts.
I'm idiot.
I am hot bithcy bitch, you bet!
Thank you for your compliment!

废材

耶稣说：要爱你的敌人。如果人家刮了你的右脸，连左脸也要给人刮。

我和认识了十载的友人闹翻了。
事情的来龙去脉懒得讲。
可是确定的是，实在忍受他很久了。
压抑着的火山终于爆发了。
爆发了瞒强。
几位友人也看见这场火山的岩，和爆发的经过。

这人自以为是，目中无人。
以为自己很棒，以为自己很行，看不起人。
而没发现到原来不被揭穿原是友人还想给他多留点颜面。
既然翻了脸，颜面也甭给了。
翻就是翻。
没得在反。

十年的情谊，可惜吗？
没有，因为我与他没有情谊可言。
就只是再普通不过的朋友。
算是在我名单里删除一个废材，可给自己多些些空间，电话簿也多些些空间。

Natural Disaster

The Tsunami hit often link to end of the world.
Many people posted the word "end of the world is coming" on FB.
The Bible has clearly stated that, earthquake is just the beginning of the disaster, and the end is yet to come.
Many will come in Jesus name, and many fake prophet will be seen, making sorts of unreal predictions.
I do not know the God's plan, but only can do my part.
To love God, is not to know what is going to happend, but to guide people to accept Christ, in the limited time, or in the time where everybody still has breath.

I learnt to appreciate every breath God provides.
Every breath in the morning seems so fresh and wonderful.
Even though I don't know what will happend in the next second, but one thing I am for sure is, God's grace is sufficient for me, and I need not to worry for tomorrow.
God has planned and provide before I ask, before I urge, and before I pray.
Somehow, there are many people neglect God, and suspect His grace.
A lot of people questioned God for letting the disasters to happend.
They have never stood on the angle of God to see.
How can a human wisdom compare to God's wisdom?
Often people ask, why do I believe in those that can't be seen? I rather pray on an idol(so call God made by human using wood/gold/glass) that can be seen.
Rev. Stephen Tong said, a real God creates man; but an unreal god is created by man. We cannot see wind, but it exist.
We cannot see current, but our electrical appliances work when the current is on.
We cannot see voice, but we can hear the voice.
Not everything need to see through our eyes.
Eyes are meant to see certain things that ought to be seen.

After the disaster hit Japan, I ask my friend, how you evaluate your life?
One of them said: Priceless.
Priceless could be define in two ways:
1. Too precious and could not be purchase by money
2. No value, fragile, not worthy

When I see the video clip, houses, cars, human are flush away, just like nobody's business.
They are just like the ants, we tend to use water to flush the ants away when they are in group.

To our Abba Father, we are precious and could not be purchase by money.
We are His precious prince and princess.
Don't question Him.
Not every disaster is meant by His plan.
He will never destroy a city if there is at least one people that obey Him in that city.

Oh human, please wake up, and open the door of your heart for Jesus.

Letter for Dad

Papa,

After ended the conversation through Skype, I was still thinking of those things you said at the last part. I kept silent while you were talking. I do not want to argue nor insult you. Can't deny, money is important to survive in this world. As I told you, you have to weight the importance of many factor. Do you think that money is so important for you until you are willingly to being seperated from the family? You used to said that we are so lucky to see the growth of Tze Xing. You too, can make it. The decision is at you.

You said that you believe God provides. But, your faith does not really support what you said. You do not really let go to the hand of our heavenly Father. At times, I doubted God's grace to me. But, our heavenly Father who loves us so much, awaken me: Hey, my little daughter, do not be tempted by evil. At times, I blame our heavenly Father, why doesn't He provide the grant to let my father back to the family. Sooner, I realized that the decision is on human themselves. You has the freedom to make any decision.

If you were to worry to burden your children, and worry for the abandon by your children, you are totally wrong! What you think are just nonsense. You do not put on the trust on your children, and to Lord! You were doubting your lovely children that love you so much! You do not have trust on them. Your children were once a burden to you when they were babies, and kids. Can I say so?

Dad, goes to the Lord, that provides. He created us, He gave us life, He gave us His son, eventually He will provides things that we really need. Even though we do not ask for, He will provides. For He is the only one who knows what is the best for us. For He is our heavenly Father, who loves us. I am the proven one. I have nothing, until He provides so many things. I am so blessed, dad. You too!

I hope you can understand what life meant. Life is not meant for money. Jesus said, ‘Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’

Love,
Your daughter that love you the most

Confused

I'm so lost.
I thought my faith in you are strong.
But I noticed that I am wrong.
Too wrong to said so.
I fell, when I heard some testimony shared by friend.
I doubt.
I ask.
I compare.
I blame.
I jealous.
I keep asking why?
Why not me? and why me?

Oh, Father.
Please, tell me where am I?
I'm at the cross junction, trying to get the correct path.
I'm waiting for you to tell me which way I should go.
You told me that your grace is sufficient.
Is it I have had, and I am blunt to know that I'm having?
Yet, I keep blaming why I am not having the grace that you provide to other people.

Forgive me, Father.
For my faith is too weak.
For my doubt on you.
For my blame on you.
For my anger.
For my jealousy.
For my hatred.

For you have given all things that I need.
All things that I haven't ask, yet You provide.
Thanks, Father Lord.
For Your Spirit that awaken me.