Me

Ever, I was a negative person. I see things in gray colour. I hate being borned, I hate this world and I keep asking my friend why did my parents bring me into this world without my permission.

All sorts of thinking caused me to feel meaningless of life and I was living like a zombie. I keep working and working, day till night, Monday till Sunday. But I still feel that I have nothing, I'm still a loser! My family like to compare me with my cousin and others. They said that my cousin could even earn more without a degree certification. At that moment, I keep asking myself: what I am? and why I am here to being compare? Why to get a degree certification? What for to study so hard? I was not happy, I was under such pressure, as my family thought money is everything. They keep washing my mind to earn more money.Life is so meaningless. My heart wasn't fill by the money that I have earned, the void and emptiness has occupied my heart.

I was thinking to get mad so that I'm not concious to think those life issues. I hope that I could meet with an accident to end my life and leave this ugly world. I hate the ugly side of this world, robbery, raping, murdering, kidnaping...all sorts of negative news. I have a mindset of not bringing new life into this ugly world. Human is selfish, cruel, cold hearted and I do not want a life to enter this ugly world.

Bible said that, God so love this world even human has betrayed Him. He gave us His only son, Jesus, to be sacrifice on the cross, and to use His precious blood to wash away our sin. This is His way to show us His mercy and love. He wants a good relationship between Him and human. Even we have sinned, done a lot of things that wasn't good, yet, He still loves us. Why? No reason, the love is just like a parents love their children with no reason, with no condition. He wants human to repent, to change, to obey His word, for He is the father and the creation.

My friend asked me, why did God allow human to sin? God gave human freedom. He doesn't want to create a robot, with all the program set and under His control. He gave human freedom to choose. That is why human can live so freely without the control of God. Our conscience will let us know what to choose, the correct one or the wrong one. As God's children, we knew that we should obey Him, to choose the correct one. Human sinned is because of the temptation of Satan. That is why Adam and Eve was asked to leave the garden of Eden, and sin entered this world.

I was revel in earning money. My time was full of earning money. I thought I was so high and successful among my friends. I was proud, and this proudness came out from my heart unconciously. I felt that I am at higher level. Until one incident strike me. Alvin had a sudden epilepsy when I was sleeping at a very peaceful night. I was so thankful to God that I was awake, as usually I am a very heavy sleeper. Without any consideration, I inserted my fingers into his mouth. My fingers felt like breaking and I was so nervous. I do not know what to do and keep shouting his name to make sure he can return to concious. Finally, he was awake and I was relief. I'm so worry that epilepsy will hit him again. I keep praying for him. I realize that only through prayer, he can be saved and only through prayer, I could have peace. From there, I realize that how great is God's love. He gave us His son, Jesus. Jesus sacrificed himself on the cross, showed us the unlimited and uncondition love from God! The pain of my finger awaken me. How much pain was Jesus suffering on the cross, just to wash away our sin. He was being beat by horsewhip while taking the wooden cross to the place where he was being hang. My pain is nothing if compare to the pain Jesus faced.

I realize the grace and love from God. He loves me, in Him, I found the meaning of life. When I was a sinner, God tressure me. In Him, I'm His lovely daughter. I free my heart from hatred, but of course I still have room of improvement, which I should have love my enemy, too! I no longer take but I learn to give. I was so free and light when I really let go. My heart is soo free, when I forgive people. I could feel the joy inside my heart.

My friend asked me, if you said God is love, but why did He allow bad things to happend in good people? The biblical answer is there are no “good” people. The Bible makes it abundantly clear that all of us are tainted by and infected with sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20; Romans 6:23; 1 John 1:8). Romans 3:10-18 could not be clearer about the non-existence of “good” people: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one. Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes.” Every human being on this planet deserves to be thrown into hell at this very moment. Every second we spend alive is only by the grace and mercy of God. Even the most terrible misery we could experience on this planet is merciful compared to what we deserve, eternal hell in the lake of fire. Yes, sometimes bad things happen to people who seem undeserving of them. But God allows things to happen for His reasons, whether or not we understand them. Above all, however, we must remember that God is good, just, loving, and merciful. Often things happen to us that we simply cannot understand. However, instead of doubting God's goodness, our reaction should be to trust Him. ”Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

God wants us to see everything with love, for He is the love. For what reason I hate others? As He loves me when I was a sinner. He is the one and only one who has the right to judge a person. I'm just a ordinary person, with bad intention in my heart, with poison of vipers on my lips and I have no rights to judge or comment.

I love the creation of God, the sky, the cloud, the sea, the mountain.... When I went to Pulau Redang in 2008, I witness all the beautiful creation of God in the sea! How touched it was in my heart. He is the creation of the universe... and how great that He gave me the grace to enjoy His creation. The cloud and the raise of sun , which I saw when I travel in the plane. Everything that He created, is so nicely done and is indeed perfect! I love to live and live to love! I enjoy the creation of God. For how many people in this world appreciate what God has done for us? For how many people in this world has destroyed the beautiful part of this world? See things in a good and bright side with the love of God. I love my life, I love Jesus, I love Jehovah, for His love, when I was a sinner.